19 Monologue Jokes for your Late Night Enjoyment & My Practice

Hey everyone, it’s my mid-week turn in time. I’m going to be sharing 19 Monologue jokes I’ve written in the last 3 days! I hope you enjoy my jokes!

Here’s what everybody is talking about!

(The images are not mine, except the salmon fish one.)

A  Polar bear from the Cincanatti Zoo escaped its containment area, Zookeepers were able to recapture it by tying a rope to a bottle of cola cola and dragging it towards the habitat.

Frazier-Animal-Mascots-Climate-Change-1200

A man staying at a hotel was able to hack into the Android devices that control lights and temperature of every room. A man staying at the hotel was stated saying “this is why Apple kicks ass!”

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A hedge fund manager must pay $16000 a month in child support to the mother of his child. What made matters interesting is that she asked an extra $20000 for a wine budget. I’m not sure if she’s just planning ahead, or she’s an alcoholic, either way get that money sweety!

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A man from Cleveland was robbed of his SUV on the first date by a woman he met on a dating app. It’s like he experienced a divorce without being married.

According to the MTA subways, ridership only increased by .6%, the lowest in 5 years. Some people are saying it’s because gas prices are getting lower. But angry New Yorkers¬†are saying “maybe it’s the fact that train cars are so crowded that we’re getting to second base on accident every day!”

image by Buzzfeed.com
image by Buzzfeed.com

The star of this season’s the Bachelor is Ben Higgins, said he is in love with two women. According to the show, he can only give away one flower to the one woman… Unfortunately…

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Experts are saying that nearly 2 weeks of productivity is lost for a company where their employees stress over money. Companies are offering help by providing financial planning and literacy seminar. An anonymous worker from the company was quoted saying “how about you pay us more money you greedy jerks!!!”

9gag.com

It’s the third month of the year, and that means college basketball is upon us. But the only madness college students are experiencing is midterms.

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About a million people are protesting in the streets of Brazil, demanding that their president finds a new job. So if you’re always on linked in, expect some network invitations from the Brazilian president.

Yale’s former basketball captain was expelled for having sex with a young lady without her consent. I’m pretty sure it would be case closed if they find out he’s a fan of Bill Cosby.

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A video surfaced online of a man urinating on the Kellogs assembly line. Copyright creatives are considering changing the name of a popular cereal to snap crackle and pee.

Calvin_Peeing_decal

Hey, remember when 50 cent declared bankruptcy then went on Instagram and put a picture showing stacks of money? Well, now his lawyers are saying it was prop money. Look out for 50s new film get rich or die faking it.

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Jerry Seinfeld sold 17 cars for a total of 22 million dollars… Reports are saying one man bought it, he was detailed as older, white/grey hair and was the previous host of the Tonight Show.

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Jared Fogle was reportedly jumped during the rec time in prison and left with a bloody face by an inmate that hates child molesters. There’s probably someone in there who probably likes child molesters, I hope that soap is super slippery a hole!

Instagram has developed an algorithm that’ll show you a feed of the people’s account you visit the most. In other words, your job of stalking someone just got a whole lot easier!

A salmon fish found in The Puget Sound waters had about 81 types of drugs in its tissue. Rehab centers are now reaching out to the other fish in the area.

Add heading

Senator Marco Rubio dropped out of the race yesterday after coming in second place in Florida. You know it’s time to pack up when you can’t win the state you’re from

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton won four states last night, which only means her team was popping bottles last night.

hillary-chipmunk

A couple paid more than 100,000 dollars to a Korean company to clone their dog…some say they have two pet dogs, I say they have a pet dog and an experiment.

I hope you got a good laugh! I have some more jokes coming on Saturday, Stay tuned! Im getting good at these B-) .

 

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